i think my first recognition of god was in my father. it was a natural association and one that i do not regret now, though it took some time. god had no face except for dad's. and since dad spoke for god, god had no other voice except for dad's. i like my dad's face and voice, and i still think the two are very similar people.

and then i grew older and people talked about god as a lover. i had had some experiences with lovers and only knew them to be flightly and self interested. i did not want a jesus who used me. i shyed away from this image, feeling sour at the thought of it.

i am here now in california working through a lot of ideas i had in my head and testing whether they are true are not. this is not always something that i think about, sometimes it just comes on me. this morning, for example, thoughts of forgiveness came to me looking like freedom. i don't have to hold on to this. i am not required to have a grudge. peace, peace.

and there is more. jesus seems to be growing arms and legs like a tadpool in my heart. in all of the instability of my living, there is cement hardening in me. jesus is like a rock in place my hope on. he is growing arms and legs in me. and so, this morning i scrubbed some bathrooms and asked him to teach me to love. i am ready for his arms and legs to move for me. what does love look like?