five years in the making

When I first moved to New York City, I fought. With everything in me, I fought G-D. He said Go and when I got there, he said Stay. Every semester he said Stay. I did not want to go to college. Much more, I did not want to lead strategic institutions, and I did not care about classical philosophy, nor politics, nor economics. For the most part, this is all still true, except that, I am repenting.

When I moved to New York City, I had just come home from Europe. In Europe, life changed. There was the day that I got off the train in Paris, and fireworks went off in my heart, I was home like no where else I had ever been before. Then, there was the afternoon in Le Gault la Foret. It was the day that I told the L-RD he was worth more than all else. I wore his ring. I promised him my heart. That day was a sort of pivot. I wore his promise that I would know his love. I love his love.

This all came after the day a stranger told me my life would change in Paris. I scoffed, but in my heart, I waited.

I lived in New York City for four years, telling everyone who asked that I was going to move to Paris. I'm not sure I even believed myself. And then there was the terrible months last year, where I told Him I wanted nothing to do with building His Kingdom. I only wanted to be in the sunshine and pick flower and read poems.

I am here and I do not read nearly enough poems. Rather, my heart is coming out of its long hibernation. I waste my hours away day dreaming how good he is.

I often have looked at girls who get engaged with a kind of awe. How, I wonder, must they feel making such a final decision. How can they be prepared for such a settling? Are they giddy? What is it all like? I look at them as a kind of alien, walking a life I've never lived before.

But today, I wondered if this is how they might feel, when all of the pieces begin to come together. The realization that this is all finally happening. Since I moved to California, all of the pieces of Paris are finally coming together. There is no longer a question in my heart if this is possible, but rather, when is the best time?

I am giddy. For five years, I have had no other plan than to get there and stay forever. Relationships ended over this city. I could not get married if that meant giving up on this place, though I never knew if I was actually going to make it. Now, I am thinking timelines, visas, preparation, language, literature.

I had no idea the L-RD was this good. I had no idea that in telling to Go he was giving me tools for the thing I have prayed for more than anything else. (Lord, Give me Paris). I had no idea that he could lead me so perfectly. I thought he forgot.

So, here is my repentance: I am thankful for New York City. I am thankful for seasons of waiting. I am thankful for here. I am thankful, even, for college.

And now, as I am still waiting and praying and thinking in timelines rather than in future maybes, I feel like Mary, treasuring all of these things in my heart.