transitions

when on the verge of transition, i always stall a child. ideas pump through my mind's veins and i cry yes! yes! but here i am again when ideas want to take form in bones and thoughts and walked out places. and this transition, too, is worse - moving from visitor, respite, patient, to resident, member, here. it comes out of places of passion and asks me to stay for what's hard. i do not much like what's hard, nor do i much like staying.

and, i'm asking, is this where i thought i'd be? does this line up with who i am, with life's vision. when i'm praying in the corner, weeping for the people i have not met yet, will this take me there? i have deep george baily fears that i'll be always packing my suitcase and never on getting on the train. i want to die in paris. i want to have births pangs in paris.

but, YHWH is moving here, and i'm saying yes, yes to whatever he puts before me before he puts it there. i am standing on concrete truths that whatever he has is good, where ever he goes is good. i am crying like moses, i'll go if you go, (i'll stay if you stay). prayers look like more hunger, more passion, more love, more jesus. more abandonment. heart cries creep and i shout no! death to self, only jesus. only more jesus. talking heads are easier than faithful hearts. talking heads shout at my harlot heart. get back to your faithful lover!

and i'm afraid of what that might look like. i'm afraid of abandoning my libraries or how hard it will be to love a real live breathing dirty person. people are dirty and its best, really, for me to keep them at my independent distance. and now here i go and become a missionary even before i'm in paris and the prayer is lower still. which means things like uglier still, less of me still, dirtier still, harder still. the low road that leads to jesus is hard.

and, people are asking for my commitment. do not give up on us for two years, can you promise that? abandon independence and love with us for two years. well, i am afraid to promise that.