iris.

the two best decisions of my life were born out of desperation. they were also moves. at eighteen i moved to scotland, at twenty-two to california. both were out of the need for more love, more jesus.

two of the hardest decisions i've ever made involved staying. college was not my favorite place, and every semester we all questioned whether i would make it any longer. college was kind of like holding my breath, or writing only with my right hand (i'm a lefty), or other hard tasks that challenge any and all of my weaknesses.

and now i live in california, and i just chose to stay. this decision was not born out of any voice of the L-RD, but rather, much like college, my own reasoning. i take comfort in the verse in Acts, "it seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to them". it seems good to stay. and, i'm not just staying, i'm joining. i am now a missionary on the Central Coast of California with an organization called Iris Ministries. i did not feel any particular call from the L-RD, but rather, the very obvious lining up of me and all that i care about and all of my goals and all of my hopes, particularly for paris echoed in the dna of this little clan that is a planting from a much larger clan in Mozambique. and, probably i will go to mozambique next summer, and i can't say that i've ever wanted to go there before, or that i've ever particularly wanted to love orphans, but i have always wanted to love more. and so, this is what i'm going to do, because it seems good to me and to the Holy Spirit.

and furthermore, i am happy. how many days in a week to i announce to someone, "i'm just so happy!" more than one, and that is more than before. and i'm not just happy, i love. i love jesus with a giddyness that both surprises me and embarrasses me, and now i'm getting ready to position myself to let him give me his roar, because i can feel myself practicing.

i came to the conclusion years ago that my choice was just as valid as the L-RD's direct call, particularly when i'm choosing things that lead me closer to his face. and his face, or L-RD, i will seek. and so, here i go. this is the very unknown, and the very reflection of everything my ten year old heart who decided to be a missionary hoped for.

and i think very seriously that it will lead me to paris or africa, or i will stay put and be a mom and have babies in california who love jesus. all options are okay by me.