pictures coming soon.

the weeks go by so quickly when people keep coming through. james was the first and i remembered why i miss new york and why i left it. it is conflicting to be brought home in memories and kept here in body. running in so many directions makes it difficult to be where i am. i am in california. i must be in california. i wonder if day dreaming children have trouble later in life.

and then yosemite and my parents. the most wonderful man married to the most wonderful woman (if there are any heavens my mother will (all by herself) have one). and together we talked and prayed and fought and won. we may be a strange family, but i believe we are of the simplest hearts, though often misunderstood.

and all of those details are leading up to the biggest one. for the first time in months (years) i am sitting alone in a room all by myself. i anticipate no one. no one else belongs in these four walls except for me and my busy writing fingers. i have planted three seeds: a bed, a desk, a dresser. i am the most home i have been in months (years).

this is still scary when i think of intention. i intend to live abroad. i intend to have a family. i intend to have a bigger bed and wider walls to house and make this family. but last night i settled in my sleep and woke up to no one but myself. i am excited in my fears. perhaps this is a daily (life-long) question. how do i keep on moving while grounding myself in something?where do i sew roots? how do i weed them? should i? how can i run and stay still? (grow heart, grow.)

i have planted myself temporarily, and i no longer know when the end is. i no longer rush to leave. i love my home. i have planted myself temporarily. i live in a nursery. a newborn plant growing in a greenhouse before the forest. (a country of marriage. there are forests beckoning.)

all of this, and a full-time job. from now on, forty hours a week will be spent in the same place. how consistent. how terrifying. how suited for me. as my sweet friend said, it was like it was all tailor made. how can it be so tailor made?

sometimes, with sweet spontaneity, my heart floods with gratitude. it is almost more than i know what to do with. it is more than i could have ever expected.