iris.

the two best decisions of my life were born out of desperation. they were also moves. at eighteen i moved to scotland, at twenty-two to california. both were out of the need for more love, more jesus.

two of the hardest decisions i've ever made involved staying. college was not my favorite place, and every semester we all questioned whether i would make it any longer. college was kind of like holding my breath, or writing only with my right hand (i'm a lefty), or other hard tasks that challenge any and all of my weaknesses.

and now i live in california, and i just chose to stay. this decision was not born out of any voice of the L-RD, but rather, much like college, my own reasoning. i take comfort in the verse in Acts, "it seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to them". it seems good to stay. and, i'm not just staying, i'm joining. i am now a missionary on the Central Coast of California with an organization called Iris Ministries. i did not feel any particular call from the L-RD, but rather, the very obvious lining up of me and all that i care about and all of my goals and all of my hopes, particularly for paris echoed in the dna of this little clan that is a planting from a much larger clan in Mozambique. and, probably i will go to mozambique next summer, and i can't say that i've ever wanted to go there before, or that i've ever particularly wanted to love orphans, but i have always wanted to love more. and so, this is what i'm going to do, because it seems good to me and to the Holy Spirit.

and furthermore, i am happy. how many days in a week to i announce to someone, "i'm just so happy!" more than one, and that is more than before. and i'm not just happy, i love. i love jesus with a giddyness that both surprises me and embarrasses me, and now i'm getting ready to position myself to let him give me his roar, because i can feel myself practicing.

i came to the conclusion years ago that my choice was just as valid as the L-RD's direct call, particularly when i'm choosing things that lead me closer to his face. and his face, or L-RD, i will seek. and so, here i go. this is the very unknown, and the very reflection of everything my ten year old heart who decided to be a missionary hoped for.

and i think very seriously that it will lead me to paris or africa, or i will stay put and be a mom and have babies in california who love jesus. all options are okay by me.

transitions

when on the verge of transition, i always stall a child. ideas pump through my mind's veins and i cry yes! yes! but here i am again when ideas want to take form in bones and thoughts and walked out places. and this transition, too, is worse - moving from visitor, respite, patient, to resident, member, here. it comes out of places of passion and asks me to stay for what's hard. i do not much like what's hard, nor do i much like staying.

and, i'm asking, is this where i thought i'd be? does this line up with who i am, with life's vision. when i'm praying in the corner, weeping for the people i have not met yet, will this take me there? i have deep george baily fears that i'll be always packing my suitcase and never on getting on the train. i want to die in paris. i want to have births pangs in paris.

but, YHWH is moving here, and i'm saying yes, yes to whatever he puts before me before he puts it there. i am standing on concrete truths that whatever he has is good, where ever he goes is good. i am crying like moses, i'll go if you go, (i'll stay if you stay). prayers look like more hunger, more passion, more love, more jesus. more abandonment. heart cries creep and i shout no! death to self, only jesus. only more jesus. talking heads are easier than faithful hearts. talking heads shout at my harlot heart. get back to your faithful lover!

and i'm afraid of what that might look like. i'm afraid of abandoning my libraries or how hard it will be to love a real live breathing dirty person. people are dirty and its best, really, for me to keep them at my independent distance. and now here i go and become a missionary even before i'm in paris and the prayer is lower still. which means things like uglier still, less of me still, dirtier still, harder still. the low road that leads to jesus is hard.

and, people are asking for my commitment. do not give up on us for two years, can you promise that? abandon independence and love with us for two years. well, i am afraid to promise that.

Father's Love - The Inheritance - Graham Cooke

last night this ruined me. weeping on the floor and we played it over and over and every time i blubbered and my heart opened and opened and opened. and its truth and i don't get it, but its the kind of truth that washes over me when i am tired and feels like pure tennessee mountain water.

because he loves me. and that's what that is. oh its so good to learn freedom.

and days later i get embarrassed because sometimes i get giddy over jesus. what a good G-D. how much more i want to learn. how his easy yoke feels like something. like something good.


(this is for you, too.)

i wondered this today (just now):

is my sense of time hindered by my climate? are my lack of seasons negatively affecting my motivation? time seems to never be changing, because january felt a lot like october felt a lot like july. time goes so slowly. we are a city, sitting in a sailboat, rocking back and forth, unsure of where we placed our compass.

spirit move, spirit move. we broke our fast and we feasted. wedding feasts with our bridegroom on the beach and in our homes and wine and champagne and chocolate and meats and cheese flowing. good things. ddc & i celebrated yesterday and then Breakthrough! the spirit moves through confession and honesty and he forgives and i want to learn how to too. It was good. There is life here. and today, sabbath rest on the beach with lizzy dear. the spirit moves & the spirit loves.

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the last time i was in california i was begging. i begged jesus to change the man i loved. change is heart so we can love each other. make it okay. graft your will around mine.

lately, there has been a deep shift. a deep submission. in this year of consecration i am learning to say, my emotions are below your thoughts. my emotions are not as important as your will. who i love or why or what i want does not matter. his said this is a year alone, so i am engaging in alone. and in the obedience, there is freedom. no need to worry about the future or my wants or conflict. there is simply a yes.

and in that, in the bending of my will to his. in the forgetting my wants for his. i am learning this, i want, above all, what he wants.

and that's becoming a fun prayer. Jesus, i don't care how i feel about this. just give me what you have.

the most tangible feeling of trust is growing in me. i know that he is good. i know that it will be good. i can give these heart feelings up for my year of alone because he is good and it will be good.

what joy in submission, in obedience, in the cross.