thinking out my job.

today was one of those days in which i knew that everything was perfect, even when almost nothing was perfect. romans woke me up with tears flowing from my heart. i am lovesick for him, for my beloved. and then there was so much sunshine and so much work.

there's this strange thing that's happening at work. i walk in and i begin to giggle a little bit. i smile. today i was so nervous shakey stressed and bossman hugged me. we laugh. we really like each other. i love my job.

after work there was more work - a concert, a scouting.

life in san luis is sometimes a little bit of an anthropological experiment. i'm under no delusion that it's a city, or that it has any sort of high culture, or even that its really that cool. we are not L.A., San Fran, nor New York. we are small. we are mostly wealthy and white and skinny. we are a very large clique. and it is an interesting little challenge - trying to find the scene and understand it. i've landed in an odd position, being the event manager for the best cafe in town.

how strange. how ill-fitting it sometimes feels. i don't hardly even know what goes on downtown. this friday, walking home, was the first time i'd seen bars lit up in lights, who knew they became night clubs.

and yet, tonight. watching regulars that i know by name throw themselves against other regulars in a frenzy when the music beats get going. greeting all the band members and scoping out who will play next.

at the same time that i am shmoozing and loving music and dancing with my newest pair of dancing shoes, i am watching. people becomes characters as they walk on stage. and i watch him sing and his force pour out and affect the crowds. now you will dance, now you will stomp. now you will feel happy and now you will feel anger. and i think, we are all pretending. i am watching a very well choreographed show. is this real life and if it is (which i very much doubt), how do we all seem to be the same? i cannot participate in such scenes of performance without the constant thought in the back of my mind, this is not us, really. this is just who we present ourselves to be. and i wonder, how can i, a person who craves authenticity with the deepest heart strings, be throwing myself deep into the music world, (small as it is)?

and i wonder more. how does one create some culture? how does one create space for people to be honest, true, and good (while still, of course, have more fun than normal?) the beginnings of the answer lie in my heart, waiting for me. be honest, true and good. and, start with line dancing.

no one can take themselves too seriously when the coolest cafe in town hosts line dancing.

this is what we must do.