this month, this year.

all i can do i ride my bike and be thankful. yesterday, at 5:30 i rode from downtown to my little home in east village and thought over and over again, what is this feeling springing up in my heart over and over again? its as if my limbs are waking up again after sitting for too long. is this hope? is this joy?

all i can do is let it all go, hold on to grace and let go of all explanations. i recognize that in the process, i've lost friends, a reputation, perhaps respect. i've lost love and safety and so few people know why.

but this is what i do have - i have courage, a sister, and hope. it has been so long since i've had such a clear sense that something good is coming.

what is that good thing? when i got to my neighborhood i rode over the FDR into the 6th st projects. a father and his son told me i had a nice smile and a little girl on her tricycle liked my eyes. that good thing is a home and a family and the most beautiful neighbors.

its a little whisper telling me, there is so much more to come. hope expectant, for the first time in years, hope expectant.