i finally wrote it down yesterday and that was enough evidence for me. words looking back at me confirming what i've been stirring up dust clouds to avoid: i am scared.

i know you. or rather, i knew you. and its strange to know someone, to have another name be such a pivot marker in my life, and thoughts, and plans and then, removed & uprooted. i wonder sometimes if moving to california was an experiment to see how many tent pegs i could remove from my tarp before the circus came. as it turns out, this was a fairly large peg.

with my corners wildly catching the wind, i wonder one question all the time, what comes next? the answers are clouded by all the same twenty-three year old doubts i've been taking shelter from all year.

i know you; you'd like an answer for all of this, don't like chaos caused for you, don't like the instability of it. i promise you a drink at the end of it, and we will silently toast to one another.