christmas in connecticut.

I know connecticut best in stripped down december. bare trees raised in pride. and there is a humility about connecticut in wintertime. it stands tall, unwavering, unashamed. connecticut in the wintertime is an old man, poised without a covering, merely skin on bones, a history but only a skeleton. there is no reason to suspect what he was like in his past - the dawn of his spring, the youth of his summer, the glory of his autumn. and now, we are at the death of his winter.

and my mother and i walk up and down its hills. atop of our hill where we have built our home on, and our history on, and laid plans for our future on, there are other hills peaking. and in those hills there are steeples peaking. every where i go, there are steeples peaking.

and these are some of the things that i like about coming home.

the year of forgiveness

i have found that in my year of forgiveness, i am repenting. i have found that my own need for forgiveness is greater than any mercy i might hand out to another - some gift of grace that i myself do not contain. and, i have found that every inch of me, every cell, and interwoven emotion and substance of being that might make up a soul is thirsty. i need grace to pour over me and through me and in me and create in me a new heart and a steadfast spirit. i have found that i need a grace willing to see me and i need it to matter. i need it to cover and go deeper and wider than me.

i have found that in my year of forgiveness, i am the one asking.

"My secret is that I need God--that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love." (douglas coupland - life after god)

new york was simply the place where we grew up. saw the whole world and decided who we would be. and, there was pressure to stay, and there were influences to bend us. as far as i can tell, there is no magic in these streets, no charm to move us.

only, we were shown the whole world, and decided where we would go. we navigated the streets against wind and dirt and grey, and came out with decisions, with poems, with more of the world in our bones. and, it hasn't left us. i take him with me into the mountains, i take him with me into the sea.