i understand sin not as something that i'm doing or not doing, thinking or not thinking, but rather, as something permanently flawed in me, a tick, an addiction, a limp that i can't get rid of. because i could be a potato and still be a sinner. and my need for a savior goes so far down, so deep, not necessarily to stop doing wrong as much as to love, to feel whole for the first time.
so, what i'm asking for isn't a feeling or a moment or really anything that could go away. what i'm asking for is a repair, a redo, a new man. a surgery that doesn't reverse itself.
in a word, salvation.
what makes me different from that men in prison that i drive by every day on my way to school? i haven't been caught. on the day to day, are they any different than i am?
and if the cross can go there, if you were enough to say to all of lazarus' dead cells 'live' then you must be able to do something with this heart.
because, oh my God, i have a dead heart. and the absence of goodness and love flowing through me is killing me; its running me dry.
i identify as the addict, the adulteress, the killer who cannot stop.
and if the cross means anything at all, it must mean everything. and if the cross can heal one person, it must be able to heal me.
i want to start an experiment with you, Jesus. i want to know how far the cross can reach. can you prove it? can you do anything about all this sickness?
i call out, 'i'm sorry! i'm sorry!' all day long, but i want more than forgiveness. i don't want to be a crooked arrow any longer. its not just that i want to stop doing this bad, dumb thing, its more - i don't want to be sick.
i want to be your friend.
