it dawned on me that today is a day in june. and june marks the sixth month of the year, the half-way point of 2011. and in the beginning of 2011, i asked the Lord and the Lord told me that this would be a year of consecration. and for the very first months i tried very hard to isolate myself so that i might be consecrated. and then i tried very hard to be consecrated in the midst of life. neither of these strategies worked. first, because i hate isolation and it kills my soul, and second because just joining life has nothing to do with consecration. and, in my case, it did the very opposite.
and so, here i am in june. in general, i feel lost in the midst of it. not sure of what i'll do next in terms of jobs, careers, location. but even more, unsure of how my relationships will turn out, unsure of where the Lord will take me, unsure of my own capabilities and passion. i am finding that it is hard to be a missionary without passion, and it is hard to have passion. i am also finding that it is hard to love humans, because humans have real blood, real flaws.
and i got lost today in phillipians. remembering again that i am dependent and i am dust. and my consecration, my holiness, is not something that i can put on myself. and i am learning that in order to live, i must die.
this is not something that i think about very often, how to die. but i think that it is something i would like to do often. because, what a beautiful savior who suffered so that he might be the source of eternal salvation. or as peter says, 'since christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin.' or, as paul puts it in phillipians, dying with christ that i might have his righteousness.
