the days have come and gone since i have sat to write. words disapear in the sunshine; words are for winter and for rain. it has almost been a full year since i moved to california. i did not expect to be staying. i just recently changed my driver's lisence. now i am here. now california recognizes me. i can even vote, though, i still probably will not do such a thing.
there have been few seasons in the weather, but my heart changed course a couple of times. i joined staff with IRIS Central Coast. i don't know what this means, except that i want to be more like these people, and so now i am responsible to them. i lost my job because the lovely people of San Luis Obispo thought my New England face did not shine enough. i was born in rocks; i keep digging.
i'm not sure who i am reduced to when i have nothing to do. my days are marked by simple responsibilities, little nothings to look forward to. i struggle. i am in the midst of struggle. i wonder where rent and food will come from, but those are only the beginning questions. my anxiety rises at 2:30's in the afternoon when i wonder, what do i amount to? what can my time account for? what, really, am i good for, and how will i possibily fill up any more days like this one? i do not like many questions, because somedays i am only hanging on.
isn't this the fear of all of humanity? i participate in it these days. all of us knowing we were made for purpose, all of us desperate to grasp the elusive answer. i go forward, scared.
words, children, teaching, Spirit, love, france: make room for me. oh please, make room.
